pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
Randomize
