I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
