Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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