I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
tell me about the fingering
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
