best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
this beer tastes like vomit already
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
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I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
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I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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