I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
