ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
Randomize
