somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
