P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
