I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Randomize
