I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Never underestimate the power of titties
Randomize
