not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Randomize
