There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
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