I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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