i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
