the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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