Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Pregaming class all semester has made this final review session more like my introduction to the topic.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
