as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
