My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
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