Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
I party with great urgency now.
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