i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
Randomize
