I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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