he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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