I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
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