My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
