So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Randomize
