420 ftw
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
You can't just leave with hair like that
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
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