She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
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