i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
Randomize
