At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Randomize