his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
