weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
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