she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
Randomize
