just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
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