ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
