how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
