The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
