nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
I had to cum in my sink.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
