the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Randomize
