I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Randomize
