He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Randomize
