I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
