You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
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