Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
Randomize
