i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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