Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
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