I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Randomize
