I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize
