Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
