If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
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