We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
This baby is an asshole
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Randomize
