I smell stomach acid.
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
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