it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
