I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Randomize
