So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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