Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
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Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
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Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
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