this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
